Life With Favre As GM

In an exclusive radio interview last week with Jason Wilde and Mark Tauscher, former star quarterback and current cheesy commercial spokesman Brett Favre said he’d be interested in working for the Packers – either as a coach or in the front office – after his youngest daughter graduates from college in four years.

Since I can’t imagine Favre putting in the long hours of a coach, just for fun let’s give him the GM job in 2021. Here’s how I see the early days of his regime unfolding:

FEB 6, 2021 – Despite getting to the NFC Championship game in Eliot Wolf’s second year as general manager, Mark Murphy fires the highly respected 38-year-old son of Hall of Famer Ron Wolf after Favre demands the job in an interview with Greta Van Susteren on a local cable access show only a few weeks earlier. When asked how he could justify such a move, the team’s president and CEO was quick with a response.

“It all goes back to the summer of 2008,” he explained. “I didn’t want to subject the organization to another series of sparsely attended protests by angry and unattractive men and women in denim shorts and skorts.” After a brief pause, he continued. “Plus, thanks to inflation, do you have any idea how much a bribe would cost today? I can tell you this, a heck of a lot more than $20 million. I hope that answers the question.”

And since Bob McGinn, one of the few reporters with any balls is no longer on the beat, there is no follow-up.

FEB. 7, 2021 – Less than 24 hours after being named GM, Favre fires long-time head coach Mike McCarthy and hires Mike Sherman, who held that same position with the Packers 16 years earlier. When asked how he could justify replacing someone with 170 wins and two Super Bowl titles with someone who had spent the past three years coaching a high school team in Massachusetts, Favre was quick with a response.

“I’ve known Sherm since he worked for me, I mean since he coached me in Green Bay from 2000 to 2005,” he explained. “He’s a good man who has the ability to surround himself with great assistants. I also admire his willingness to always be aggressive. With all due respect to McCarthy, I felt he got too conservative in big games. You can’t play scared in January. Hypothetically, I want a coach who’d go for it on 4th and inches with a chance to seal the deal. That’s who we now have in Sherm. I hope that answers the question.”

And since Jason Wilde of ESPN, the only reporter left with any balls was physically removed from the premises about 10 minutes earlier by director of player engagement/enforcer Rob Davis, there is no follow-up.

FEB. 8, 2021 – After spending countless minutes watching film, Favre makes his first personnel moves as GM. After releasing all the centers and tight ends on the roster, he agrees to multi-year deals with street free agents Frank Winters and Mark Chmura. When asked how he could justify signing two players who had been out of the National Football League since the Bill Clinton administration, Favre was quick with a response.

“Look, I’ve known Frankie and Chewy for a very long time,” he explained. “What they may have lost in athleticism, they’ll more than make up for in experience and leadership. Plus, there’s a glaring lack of depth at those two positions. You can’t play football without a center and a tight end. I hope that answers the question.”

And since Jason Wilde of ESPN, the only reporter left with any balls was physically removed from the premises about 10 minutes earlier by director of player engagement/enforcer Rob Davis, there is no follow-up.

APR. 28, 2021 – In his first draft as GM, Favre selects Jim Bob Smith at 29. The move came as a shock since most experts projected the former Ole Miss QB to go in the later rounds. When asked how he could justify picking a player so high who threw 22 interceptions in his senior season, Favre was quick with a response.

“Well, I had a chance to see Jimmy play a lot over the past four years,” he explained. “I know there were higher-rated QBs on the West Coast, but I didn’t want to pick someone in the first round who I hadn’t seen live. And thankfully, the Ole Miss campus is only a short tractor ride from my home in Kiln. Plus, I love his personality. I must’ve seen him throw six interceptions that cost his team potential wins, and I never once saw him hang his head. It was almost like he didn’t care. And trust me on this, that’s what it takes to be a great QB.

“I also love the idea of having Jimmy learn under Aaron Rodgers. It’s so important for a veteran QB to take a young QB under his wing and help him along. Veteran players need to be mentors. You know, we’re all in this together. It’s all about winning. I feel very strongly about this. Always have. I hope that answers the question.”

And since Jason Wilde of ESPN, the only reporter left with any balls was physically removed from the premises about 10 minutes earlier by director of player engagement/enforcer Rob Davis, there is no follow-up.

MAY 19, 2021 – In a truly stunning move, Favre decides to cancel the final two minicamps of the offseason. This means the new coaching staff won’t get to see any of the new players until the start of training camp in late July. When asked how he could justify having so few offseason practices while every other team in the league was spending the spring working hard to get better, Favre was quick with a response.

“I went to all the minicamps under Mike ‘Mussolini’ Holmgren in the 1990s and then began skipping them when Mike Sherman took over as coach,” he explained. “I really don’t think it made any difference in my performance. In fact, I played better in January when I stayed home and mowed the lawn in May and June. Just look at the 2003 and 2007 postseasons. My body was fresh, and more importantly, so was my mind. Based on that, I don’t know how anyone could question this decision. I hope that answers the question.”

And since Jason Wilde of ESPN, the only reporter left with any balls was physically removed from the premises about 10 minutes earlier by director of player engagement/enforcer Rob Davis, there is no follow-up.

JULY 25, 2021 – On the eve of training camp, Favre holds an impromptu press conference to refute allegations that he texted multiple pictures of his penis to a young female reporter from a local television station. When asked how he could justify doing such an allegedly horrible thing, Favre was quick with a response.

“This is a case of mistaken identity,” he explained. “Let’s  inspect the supposed dick pics. Look at how out of control the pubic hair is. Come on, would the spokesman for Micro Touch ever be caught having his pubes look so unruly? Plus, look at the size of my hands. I’m no Donald Trump. My hands are huge. How could that little thing in the picture possibly belong to me? It just doesn’t make sense. More importantly, you know me. Do you really think I’m capable of doing such a vile thing? I hope that answers the question.”

And since Jenn Sterger, the only reporter with first-hand knowledge of little Brett was removed from the premises about 10 minutes earlier by director of player engagement/enforcer Rob Davis, there is no follow-up.

JULY 26, 2021 – The Packers report to training camp and the Brett Favre/Mike Sherman era begins. Stay tuned.